The cranky

I’m feeling surprisingly cranky and hemmed in and annoyed by everything.

I was speaking to my co-worker E at the desk this morning. I think a lot of it has to do with the upcoming trip to clear out K’s mom’s (another E) house. I’m going to have to work with my sister-in-law, who’s going to want to haul all of my mother-in-law’s possessions (except things that someone else wants) off to her basement. This seems awful to me, but that’s just the way it’s going to be.

It’s all mixed up with other stuff, too. I want to go spend a week on a beach somewhere with no obligations and that’s not going to happen this summer, although it’s not that I haven’t had vacations. But maybe we could do that at Thanksgiving, and convince N to come home. I’m missing N. I’m in a state of preemptive missing for M. I’m sad about E and the imperfectness of life — I’m not sure the last years before she lost her mind were entirely happy, although she lived them as she chose to. Is it a Catholic thing, to feel guilty about all the things you should have done but didn’t, which ends up being pretty much everything in the whole world? And anyway, should I have? I’m not superman.

I think this would all be a lot clearer if we were talking about my mother. She is my mother, and I’d feel a lot more comfortable bossing her around. I feel a sudden rush of feeling for my mother for being annoying in such an understandable way.

In any case, I can’t wait for the weekend, in which I plan to be at home and do very little.

Hooray for that, anyway.

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